I’m not a woman; I’m also not an enby, and this is what I think of my gender.

What does it mean to be the gender you are? Does gender mean anything? Don’t a number of us just identify with the gender we were assigned at birth because that’s what “they” say we are? 

I’ve never known what it meant to “feel like a woman”. All the times I’ve heard someone use that expression, it was in relation to a man. A man does something sexual/sensual to a woman and she feels like a woman. I know what it feels like to feel like an adult, a grown person. 

I always knew ‘woman’ would never work for me. I used to think it was just because it sounded so grown, but now I know it’s also because I don’t know what it means. I don’t think having a vulva makes me a woman. I don’t think being able to give birth to a child makes me a woman. I don’t even know if I can do that, and it’s just as well because I will not be doing that. 

Another thing that’s used to prove womanhood is menstruation. Imagine that; the literal bane of my existence. The thought of using that as a reason to exclude someone from a group they feel they’re a part of is unbelievable to me because there’s just nothing great about it. Also, because gender is very much about how you feel, and that’s something no one can tell you. It also might mean my gender is nothing — or lesbian. 

To me, lesbian says definitely not a man, but not exactly a woman. That’s an acknowledgment of the fact that as inclusive as the word should be, there’s a certain idea a number of us have when we hear the word woman: feminine-presenting and heterosexual. Of course, that makes me wonder whether I should be doing my part (whatever that is) to make the word more inclusive as opposed to finding another term that works for me… but chale if it doesn’t fit, it doesn’t fit. 

The way that I present hasn’t changed much over the years. I’m still fem; just much cooler. The shift has been more mental than physical, even though mindset changes are bound to reflect in the way we move through the world. 

In conclusion, I’ve thought about my gender enough to get to the point where I don’t think much about my gender anymore. I can’t not think about it for marginalized genders though. I wish gender could be personal, and not a thing that affects the amount of respect a person gets or the amount of money they’re paid, or how much violence they’ll experience in their lifetime. I wish it could be changed and reframed as many times as a person wants. I wish people would understand that it’s okay to not understand someone else’s gender. Like, it’s not yours; why are you so pressed? Finally, I wish my trans, non-binary and gender non-conforming siblings the best of everything. Happy pride!